Eating disorders are an ugly beast. Just when you think that they have gone away for the long haul they like to sneak up and attack at any point. I have been experiencing this for the past few days and I have put him back to sleep. I guess he's my equivalent of a boogie monster that lives under the bed. Here's a bit of history...I was hospitalized for 4 months back in 2008-2009 for anorexia. I got down to less than 100 lbs and was in really bad shape. While I was there I learned more than anyone needs to know about eating disorders. Yes, at that time I was anorexic but bigger than that I learned that I have an eating disorder and they tend to take on many forms. I have worked through the recovery process and from time to time feel 100% better but most of the time there are some aspects that I cannot get rid of. I have learned some of my triggers with stress and lonliness being the main two.
Fast forward to this past week with starting school back up. I have been run ragged physically and mentally. The transition from Kindergarten to 4th grade has been a trying one but I don't regret it at all. I just have to be at peace that I don't handle stress the best way. On top of that I have realized that I really don't like being at home alone at night. Those two things together awoke the monster at the end of last week. I had been doing SO good with the Visalus shakes but it went out the door. Like I said before, I started as an anorexic but "the beast" is a shapeshifter and wanted to come back in a different form this time. I am pretty sure I have gained a pound or two back since these bad few days but I refuse to get on the scale to look. I am not weighing again for at least a week.
Today I have started back on my shakes and am calling it Day 1. I want to do a full 90 days the right way. I can forgive myself for falling back into old ways but more importantly I am working on protecting myself to try to not fall into that pattern again.
I just feel like I need to throw that out there....I started to get down on myself for "failing" my customers by not following the challenge to a T but then I know I am just human. Not only that, I carry an ED that makes things a bit more challenging.
Here's to day 1!
Short Term goals:
- Follow the challenge as closely as possible for the next 2 weeks before I go to AZ.
- Work out 4 times each week.
- Keep a food journal.
- Drink more water.
- Restart my 2 weeks cleanse tablets.
Long term goal:
- Lose 25 lbs
- Go down 1-2 pants sizes
- Run a 1/2 marathon
There you have it! Encouraging thoughts are appreciated! :)
So true... many faces, all of them ugly. I often finding myself wishing I could wish myself back into "choosing" anorexia as my ED of choice... but that's not the right way to lose, and, as you kinda said, this whole process isn't about just losing the weight by hook or by crook but beating ED, all its iterations. EDs do make this whole "diet" thing much more complicated because we're trying to just learn how to eat, plain and simple. I hope the best for us both.
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